Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.