The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
worst…sale…ever
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?