Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
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My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Had to try this trend 😊
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer