Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
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COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon