Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
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Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
The pasta is now
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.