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Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night