If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.