You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
back to work
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.