[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???