Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
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[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Good Morning.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”