Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
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*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union