“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Reporter: *ports again*
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I don’t know what to do
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.