*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
You Might Also Like
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I can’t be the only one 😂
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.