Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
me after eating Cheetos
I ate everything, including the H.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
repaired
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Shoo shoo! 😂
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.