Who did it better?
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friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Before & after 😅
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge