A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
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At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.