Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
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“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.