Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.