The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩