Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
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Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I can’t be the only one 😂
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.