Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow