[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
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Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down