I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??