I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Happy Thanksgiving
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.