Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
You Might Also Like
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Just why bro?!
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.