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I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore