HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
You Might Also Like
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat