[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
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My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.