Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
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People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
shampoo implies shampee
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent