I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
6. me as a lawyer
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*