Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
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Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Pringles
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
True.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.