Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
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My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Raisins are grape jerky.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me