date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
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[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
as is their right
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭