I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
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I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
i love meeting boys on tinder
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school