You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
You Might Also Like
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house