Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
You Might Also Like
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
the red hot silly peppers
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
When your man makes a valid point
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile