I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
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*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.