Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
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Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Watson was Holmes schooled