I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
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If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Your secret is safeish with me
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them