GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
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Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I found your tweet-up…
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.