piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
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He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
HELP 😭
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
my professor scared me for a second
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Today’s Times
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…