My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
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OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.