Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
You Might Also Like
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Air conditioning – not a fan
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Breaking news:
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
The cashier just checked me out.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.