me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
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Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Are we there yet?…
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.