“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”