me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
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When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic