PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
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The more things change, the more they stay the same.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Breaking news:
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Mornin. * use accordingly
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
BaD BoY!!
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop