8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
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Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
tis the season
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.