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her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
the last thing a carrot sees
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Not all heroes wear capes…
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
crazy
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.