When you want your ball, but you don鈥檛 want to get wet
馃幘馃挧馃挦
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[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
It鈥檚 a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Wife: Do I look like I鈥檝e gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 馃槈
My mom didn鈥檛 want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what鈥檚 up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
a鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥 (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Stranger: ma鈥檃m do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT鈥橲 BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I鈥檓 a muggle.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn鈥檛 be surprised [looks at car] it鈥檚 been acting funny lately
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
HER: i鈥檓 leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Parenting is cheering on your kid鈥檚 winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn鈥檛 actually an illusion cake?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven鈥檛 gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!